Fatty fatty fat fat

My name is Cahlee, I'm 22 and I weigh over 130kgs.

I've spent most of my life being overweight, but over the last 3 years I've put on almost 50kgs. I eat like a pig and I barely get off my arse. All that is about to change. I've lived the last few years yearning to be someone else, the 'cooler' me. The fit, sexy and sociable girl who people enjoy spending time with. Someone who my fiance can be proud to show off. But instead I've been eating.

How I got where I am is obvious; I ate too much and didn't exercise enough, but I guess I should probably elaborate. I was 19 when I met my fiance (Braden) and we hit it off right away, I'd just gotten out of a one year relationship and as a result had lost 10 kilos and was curvy at 80kgs. I wasn't happy with my weight but I wasn't stressing over it.

As time went by and Braden and I were crazy in love and, living together at his parents place, we spent almost every waking moment cuddled up on his bed, watching tv and eating junk. You see, Braden is one of those frustratingly thin people who never fluctuates outside of a 5kg range regardless of what he eats. I, on the other hand, was (not so slowly) expanding. To make matters worse I started feeling depressed.

As most people with first hand knowledge of depression will know, it's a somewhat cyclic mental illness. I had gone through about 3 years of feeling pretty good, but suddenly everything changed. I couldn't face going to TAFE, I'd have panic attacks and I'd cry for hours until I was exhausted and finally fell asleep. I felt suicidal, and one afternoon Braden was so worried about me he took me to the emergency ward. Soon afterwards I was seeing a psychologist and was on medication. I stayed on it for a couple of months and then stopped cold turkey but I was (reasonably) fine.

I'd lose 5 kilos here and there but over all my weight just kept going up, I remember being horrified at the thought of reaching triple digits, but when that scale finally went over 99.9 I felt nothing, like it was inevitable and I kept on at my life as if nothing had changed.

Little things in life started to become more difficult. Sleeping had become uncomfortable, bending over more tiresome, sex more frightening. A vicious and irrational cycle began to occur. I was so upset at the disgusting slob that I had become that I would sit and eat terrible food and feel sorry for myself, which made me put on weight, which made me more upset, which made me eat more, etc.

I began to fear for my relationship. How could such a thin, lovely, attractive man possibly want to be in a relationship with me? Wasn't he afraid I was going to eat him? Musn't sex be some horrible arduous chore where he'd close his eyes and dream I was someone else? I was convinced and the cycle raged on.

I started Roller Derby mostly because it sounded incredible, but a big part was the exercise; maybe I would find some physical activity that I might actually enjoy. And I did. I joined the local league, bought some gear and shuffled around. I started off, surprisingly, at about the same level as most of the others joining with me. But as time went on I found those same people going faster than me and doing things I couldn't. I was getting better and I kept telling myself that it didn't matter what they were doing because I was getting better. But there was still a voice saying 'You cant do this, you'll never be any good, you look ridiculous stuffed in these leggings like some missshapen sausage' And I eventually did what I do best, I quit and sat on my arse.

I briefly came back, but mostly it's stayed the same up til now. The only thing that seems to have changed is my waistline. But now I'm back on medication, I'm engaged and I'm determined to become the person I'm supposed to be, instead of this fat suit that I seem to be trapped in.

This blog will be a tracking of my weight, as well as an overview of some of the other things in my life. Roller Derby, the upcoming wedding, my relationship, all those fun things. Hopefully good things come of it. :)

I hope to update at least once a week, probably more often to start off with. Please leave me comments, it'd be nice to hear from anyone.