Wow... Well I feel kind of dirty posting here. How dare I desecrate this temple of positivity and hopefullness. But unfortunately I failed. I failed my partner, and my family and my friends... But mostly myself. I made a vow to keep at it and feel good and send my life in a positive direction but before I had even made any real headway I stopped. I had a couple of bad weeks and told myself that when I lost the weight that I'd put on I'd get back to it, but instead I just pretended that everything was alright, ignored my blog and my weight has slowly crept up to the point where I'm afraid to step on a set of scales.
Right now my life is rubbish. I've lost my job, my depression has gotten worse again, I hate myself more than I can remember ever doing so. I want to be someone different. I want to be healthy and happy and beautiful but I dont know if I ever will. I know that right now I should be all 'This is it, new day, new life. I will be better starting tomorrow, blah blah blah' but right now I feel like I dont have it in me. How do I get that motivation back? How do I wake up evey morning and do what I'm supposed to? It all seems so foreign to me.
I read back through my blog hoping it would help inspire me to get back into it but instead I read it and felt terrible. I gave up, if I had have kept going I would be so much better then I am now, so much happier. Instead I'm this massive blob of low self esteem slowly becoming one with my recliner.
I'm not going to post this on facebook, I'm too ashamed. I hope that this feeling is just a momentary slump and tomorrow I will have a more motivated perspective and can get the ball rolling again. At the very least least I hope that I get my depression under control, and maybe reblogging will help a little.
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