Man, I suck!

I'm posting this blog from a backpackers hostel in Kingscross!! I'm in Sydney! As I'm sure most of you know Braden and I have been in Sydney since Sunday for the Soundwave festival/our anniversary so here's a relatively quick update on how I've been doing this week.

Shit. I've been shit. I haven't been 'pigging out' but I sure as hell have not been eating well. I did eat grapes yesterday and I've been walking around a lot and Soundwave was a LOT of exercise but I honestly think I will have put on weight this week. Now today is usually my weigh in day, but since I'm not at home I wont be able to weight in til Thursday and honesly, I'll be stoked if I say the same weight as last week but I doubt it. I'm uber disappointed in myself but I'm not going to give up. This coming weight I'm going to be as perfect as I can be, absolutely no softdrink (sugarfree or otherwise) exercise for at least an hour everyday and I'm going to track everything I eat. Next week will be a short week, but I'm going to lose weight. After this Thursday weigh in it will be back to Tuesdays again.

I would like to formally apologise to all you awesomely supportive people who have been nothing but kind, inspirational and lovely, but mostly I would like to apologise to myself for being so terrible.

Onwards and upswards!!

An awesome gym and MOAR EXERCISE!!

Today was a thinking day. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself and what changes I need to make in my life to get where I want to be.

Before I start on this huge spiel about myself, let me tell you about the amazing place that I work. Genetics Fitness Club in Warners Bay is in my (admittedly bias) opinion the best gym in the Newcastle area and this is why:

Great staff : Genetics has an atmosphere unlike any other gym that I've been in, it's warm and inviting, the staff are friendly and helpful. They make you feel welcome there.

The classes: I suffer from a chronic case of 'Lazy as hell' and as such doing self motivated exercise, ie; walking on a treadmill, is pointless because I dont push myself at all. Classes on the other hand force me to actually move, someone else is setting the pace that I have to follow. Not to mention the instructors are amazing!

The price: Pretty self explanatory, it's the lowest price membership I've seen.

I work there: This goes without saying, but Monday through to Saturday I'm there in the mornings making awesome coffee. That should be enough of a reason for anybody.

The main reason at the moment that I'm so immensely happy with Genetics is actually quite selfish. They have been amazingly supportive of me and this blog. And as I mentioned in my last post, they've offered me free personal training which I have gladly accepted and start next week. The condition is that I keep at it and dont make excuses which I fully intend to live up to.

Now back to thinking.. I had a chat with Marty today and he was talking to me about how I really need to push myself and up my exercise for the day seeing as I have quite a lot of weight to lose and not an endless amount of time to do it in and I agree. I have so many inappropriatly used hours in the day (DVDs, computer games, cat videos, etc) that I should be using to get closer to my goal. What I'm doing isn't a diet, it's not a get thin quick scheme, and as such I have to change my mindset and my body, and doing a class a day and not eating takeaway is just not going to cut it. I'm going to be an active, healthy person in all facets of my life.

Also, I'm thinking of moving my blog over to Tumblr, let me know what you think!

Another week, another loss!

To be honest, this week hasn't been that great. I had an issue with my meds that made my brain feel like it was leaking out my ear. I got so many headspins that I couldn't turn my head without feeling like I might faint so exercize has been a little slack and eating has been less 'monitored'. But my brain feels back to its usual solid albiet spongy self and I know this week will be a good one.

Now incase you were all unaware Tuesday is my weigh-in day so lets have at it!! I knew it was going to be a low number, I was thinking maybe .5 so you should have seen my face when they scales lit up with 132.45!!! Wow, that's 1.9kg in one week and 3.2 overall!! Not bad!  But no resting on my laurels I need to push it even harder since I want to have lost a total of 5 kilos by the end of Febuary and I'm going to Sydney for 3 days with Braden to celebrate 3 years together!.. But I'll be at Soundwave so I'm sure all that moshing will help shift some weight!!

Yet again I'm blown away by all the support you guys have been showing me! My cousin and her husband were telling me how proud they were, girls at roller derby telling me they were reading it, Marty and Danielle who own the gym that I work at even offered me some free personal training to help me along! Any wariness I had about writing this and sharing everything with you all has now completely vanished!

Here's a few of my plans for the week to help keep me on track:

I found this really great weight loss blog that has so many great tips and really motivational pictures http://breathereallyhard.tumblr.com/ So I've saved some of my favourite pics and I'm going to print them out and stick them all over my house (especially on the fridge) to help me along while I'm having particularly weak moments!

As I said I'm going to Soundwave and staying in Syndey for a few days so to Soundwave I'm going to take some healthy snacks, drink TONNES of water and dance/mosh by giant butt off!! And while I'm in Sydney I'm going to try to walk everywhere and eat intelligently, eat Japanese instead of Chinese, etc. 

Go to the gym every afternoon that I'm in Newcastle.

EAT BREAKFAST! (I suck at this one)

And finally just try to get to bed at a decent time so I dont want to die when I wake up!

Anyway, yay for me from losing 1.9 and please let me know what your plans/resolutions are for the week!

I'm stuck in a rut, please help!!!

I spend an awful lot of time on my computer, sitting on a recliner and doing absolutely nothing. Regardless of the fact that I have many people who I regard as friends, there are very few that I see on an even semi-regular basis and I miss interaction.

I am the kind of person who constantly feels in the way. I feel like I'm encrouching on peoples space and time and as a result I almost never ask to do anything with anyone. I'm afraid they dont really like me and they're pitying me or they're sick of me. So quite understandably people ghet sick of always asking me to spend time with them and eventually stop asking and in my mind prove my pointm, that they dont want to spend time with me.

Now, hoping that my screwy mind has been misguiding me, this is for everyone I have at some time or another, fobbed off. You asked me to hang out, we did, and then I never returned the favour. I am a sucky friend.

I think it all comes down unsurprisingly to a lack of self esteem, I dont feel worthy of anyone. I feel like the boring, fat, burden that everyone would love to be rid of. But I am going to change this. I am going to be who I want to be. My life change with me. And here is my shout out to all of my mistreated friends. I miss you, please, please get in contact with me and lets do something! Let's go shopping, lets hang out and watch movies, lets catch up.

Let 2012 be a year of renewed friendships!

The good, the bad and the lazy!

Today was weigh in day. I was nervous. What if my first week of eating well and exercising didn't do anything? What if my body was so used to storing fat at this point that it decided it didn't want to be thin?
My friend Sam asked me to wait until she got into work for me to weigh, so I did. 9:00 she rocked up to work and I walked over, stepped on the scale and covered my eyes. When I finally got the courage to peek through my fingers this number flashed up at me, 134.35. Ok, not bad, that's 1.3 kilos in one week but it's not great either. Not for someone of my size. Honestly, I was hoping for over 2 kilos but lets take a look at my week and see what can be improved.

I ate reasonably well all week. I didn't track much (I've never been very good at it). But I used common sense which most of the time paid off. I ate lunch out and made the mistake of oredering duck not realising how fatty it is, but hey, I learned. Being honest with myself, will I track in the future? Probably not. But it's probably something that I really need to at least try to do.

Exercise... This I think i nailed pretty well. I exercised 6 out of 7 days and was sweaty and red after every class. I could probably work a little harder in some classes but I think I did a good job.

I fully intended on starting this week out on a high note. I was going to eat great and do 2 classes at the gym today, boy was I wrong. As I'm sure everyone is aware, today is Valentines Day and for those who don't know me or who just don't know, Braden works a lot. And because he works in a restaurant he had to work today, Valentines day is one of the more busy days of the year. Which is fine since our anniversary is less than a week after Valentines day. I decided today was going to be a 'me' day! Time to love myself. I'm not very good at that to say the least and this became even more apparent as the day progressed.

Turns out I treated it as more of a 'I'm single, lonely and sad day'.

I thought about what one does when one is alone come Valentines day and the first thing that popped into my head was movies and junk food. Then wouldn't you know it, I started craving chocolate and Macdonalds hard core. These are the worst cravings I've had so far. I decided to take some advice and not deprive myself too much, so I went to Woolworths, picked myself up some dark chocolate and went through the drivethru and ordered a chicken cheeseburger, small fries and coke zero. Compared to my usual haul it's quite tame. Which would have mostly likey been at least 2 different kind of milk chocolate products (probably double coated time tams and chocolate covered licorice) and my usual order from Macdonalds.. Now I've promised myself that I will be as close to honest as I can be on this blog so I'm about to reveal to you one of my more shameful revelations...My usual Macdonalds order which is as follows.... Large double cheeseburge meal with no pickles, onion or mustard with 2 pieces of bacon (Because of course one just isn't enough) and extra ketchup!

Now considering the difference in choices you'd think I'd be pretty happy with myself, making better decisions, but instead I felt terrible. I sat in front of the TV and ate the junk food and felt like nothing had changed in the last week and I'm disappointed in myself. So disappointed in myself that I got in my PJs and skipped the gym. Prime logic! I'm hoping that letting you all know how rubbish I've been today will help keep me from making the same mistakes all over again.

Also, I watched Marley and me and cried for about 10 minutes... Next Valentines day I get my hair and nails done!

So all in all, good first week, crummy start to this week but I know it will get better! Hope everyones day was more productive than mine!

Secret life of fat girls!

I was at a social skate hosted at the Gateshead indoor sports centre (home of the Newcastle Roller Derby league) on Saturday and was chatting to one of my friends who has some of the same issues as I do, and I realise that at least 90% of quite overweight girls share a few secrets that they dont really talk about. We eat (obviously), but a lot more than anyone but us really know.

We try to make ourselves look like dainty eaters. We may not order a salad, but we're probably not going to order an extra large quardruple cheese burger meal in front of you either. We go through drivethrus when noones at home, and buy large meals and hide the evidence (put the wrappers under the garbage/in to neighbours bins, etc).

Most of us at one stage or another have been asked 'When are you due?' Now, personally, I think this is one of the most singular stupid and offensive things anyone can ever say. I make a point of never ever ever asking anyone that question unless I know for a FACT that they are having a baby. Unless you've had someone say that to you (I've had it twice) you have no idea how mortifying it is.

We forget how massive we are! I dont know about anyone else, but when I think about myself, I dont see the 135kg behemoth that I have become,  I think of myself as a chubby 90 kilo girl. When I catch myself in the mirror I am honestly shocked, no matter how many times I catch a glimpse it just doesn't sink in... Which brings me to my next point..

We avoid mirrors like the plague! In case you were all unaware, mirrors are a silent evil, no one talks about it, but they're everywhere! Watching you, unforgivingly showing off all your (not so tiny) flaws. Personally, my most hated mirrors are the ones you find in most change rooms, the ones on every wall!! No where is safe to look, you're down to your underwear and from every angles you can see all your rolls and wobbly bits staring back at you!

Now this one might just be me! 9 out of 10 of my facebook photos are years old. or ones from flattering angles (aka your from the top myspace angled shot that's good for hiding the double chin). I am addicted to untagging my face sbook photos, if any of my friends are lucky enough to trick me into taking a photo of me and then tag me, I swiftly untag it before anyone can check out my wobbly physique. Let me know if I'm alone.

Most of the similarities big girls have come down to one thing, shame! We're all ashamed of where we've gotten and who we've become because despite all of the things in our lives that have emotionally, or otherwise contributed to our weight problem, at the end of the day we put that mars bar in our mouths and we decided that 3 pieces of pizza just weren't enough. And the power to change things can only come from us. You can get all the advice in the world, but until you decide that you have to change, nothing will be different.

Tomorrow is my first weigh in day! I will definitly be updated and letting you know how much I've lost as well as how my week has been.

An ENTIRE PERSON!

This morning I decided while at work I should weigh myself so I know exactly the numbers that I'm up against and the terrifying figure is....135.65kg... Woah. When I compare that to what I want to be for my wedding (75) that's 60.65 kilos to lose. The worst part of that number is when I realised that that is an entire person. I have to lose an ENTIRE PERSON. On top of that, I dont have all the time in the world, I have til October 2013. But it is doable.

I have to stop putting it off, no last hurrah where I go on an epic quest down the aisles at Woolworths searching for all my favourite fatty and sweet foods and eat myself into a sugar coma. Not this time. Starting tomorrow morning I eat like a normal person. I have breakfast, I eat smaller portions (no troughs for me) and I eat nurtritional foods; multigrains and fruits and lean proteins. I make use of my work place, ironically in a gym (I'll get to that later) and try to attend a class every day. I dont have the luxury of pretending that I'm healthy.

When is it okay to indulge? Is it okay for me to indulge at all? I haven't shown much, if any, restraint in the past so perhaps allowing myself small treats just isn't viable to me. I can't have just one TimTam or 3 pieces of chocolate. Should I altogether ban myself from certain foods that I binge on? Anyone with any advice, I would appreciate it.

Now back to the gym. I started working at the gym about 4 months ago. Now, before anyone jumps to anyone ridiculous conclusions, no I do not train at the gym, nor do I work behind the counter. I run the little cafe inside and every single day I walk in there and serve beautiful thin people coffee all day long and it's hard not to feel judged. Just the other weekend, the table right in front of my counter were talking about the Biggest Loser and how pathetic all the contestants were and how ridiculous they looked, and not for the first time in my life I heard, 'They should learn how to put down the fork!' What must these people think of me when I'm larger than many of the contestants? And here's a revelation for you. I actually applied to be in this season of the Biggest Loser, but was turned down because I wasn't single.

Really when it all comes down to it, me in my current state working at a gym is kind of a joke. By working in the gym, I am in a way representing it and I need to be a better example.

That's it for tonight, I did have 3 more paragraphs but I think I'm pushing it as it is.

Oh, one more thing. I posted a link on my facebook to my last post and got some incredible feedback. I would like to thank everyone again for being so supportive and offering me so much help and advice, It makes me feel less alone.

I hope to get some more comments and feedback soon.

Fatty fatty fat fat

My name is Cahlee, I'm 22 and I weigh over 130kgs.

I've spent most of my life being overweight, but over the last 3 years I've put on almost 50kgs. I eat like a pig and I barely get off my arse. All that is about to change. I've lived the last few years yearning to be someone else, the 'cooler' me. The fit, sexy and sociable girl who people enjoy spending time with. Someone who my fiance can be proud to show off. But instead I've been eating.

How I got where I am is obvious; I ate too much and didn't exercise enough, but I guess I should probably elaborate. I was 19 when I met my fiance (Braden) and we hit it off right away, I'd just gotten out of a one year relationship and as a result had lost 10 kilos and was curvy at 80kgs. I wasn't happy with my weight but I wasn't stressing over it.

As time went by and Braden and I were crazy in love and, living together at his parents place, we spent almost every waking moment cuddled up on his bed, watching tv and eating junk. You see, Braden is one of those frustratingly thin people who never fluctuates outside of a 5kg range regardless of what he eats. I, on the other hand, was (not so slowly) expanding. To make matters worse I started feeling depressed.

As most people with first hand knowledge of depression will know, it's a somewhat cyclic mental illness. I had gone through about 3 years of feeling pretty good, but suddenly everything changed. I couldn't face going to TAFE, I'd have panic attacks and I'd cry for hours until I was exhausted and finally fell asleep. I felt suicidal, and one afternoon Braden was so worried about me he took me to the emergency ward. Soon afterwards I was seeing a psychologist and was on medication. I stayed on it for a couple of months and then stopped cold turkey but I was (reasonably) fine.

I'd lose 5 kilos here and there but over all my weight just kept going up, I remember being horrified at the thought of reaching triple digits, but when that scale finally went over 99.9 I felt nothing, like it was inevitable and I kept on at my life as if nothing had changed.

Little things in life started to become more difficult. Sleeping had become uncomfortable, bending over more tiresome, sex more frightening. A vicious and irrational cycle began to occur. I was so upset at the disgusting slob that I had become that I would sit and eat terrible food and feel sorry for myself, which made me put on weight, which made me more upset, which made me eat more, etc.

I began to fear for my relationship. How could such a thin, lovely, attractive man possibly want to be in a relationship with me? Wasn't he afraid I was going to eat him? Musn't sex be some horrible arduous chore where he'd close his eyes and dream I was someone else? I was convinced and the cycle raged on.

I started Roller Derby mostly because it sounded incredible, but a big part was the exercise; maybe I would find some physical activity that I might actually enjoy. And I did. I joined the local league, bought some gear and shuffled around. I started off, surprisingly, at about the same level as most of the others joining with me. But as time went on I found those same people going faster than me and doing things I couldn't. I was getting better and I kept telling myself that it didn't matter what they were doing because I was getting better. But there was still a voice saying 'You cant do this, you'll never be any good, you look ridiculous stuffed in these leggings like some missshapen sausage' And I eventually did what I do best, I quit and sat on my arse.

I briefly came back, but mostly it's stayed the same up til now. The only thing that seems to have changed is my waistline. But now I'm back on medication, I'm engaged and I'm determined to become the person I'm supposed to be, instead of this fat suit that I seem to be trapped in.

This blog will be a tracking of my weight, as well as an overview of some of the other things in my life. Roller Derby, the upcoming wedding, my relationship, all those fun things. Hopefully good things come of it. :)

I hope to update at least once a week, probably more often to start off with. Please leave me comments, it'd be nice to hear from anyone.